According to Dictionary.com,
inertness, especially with regard to effort, motion, action, and the like; inactivity; sluggishness.
In my case, the definition is incomplete. Phrases like ‘caused by fear‘ or ‘hesitance in stepping out of one’s comfort zone‘ or ‘uncertainty of the unknown‘ ought to be somewhere in there.
Truth be told, I don’t know what I want. I just know I can’t live like this. I have trouble getting out of bed to get ready for work every morning, and I start counting down to the time I knock off. I live for the weekends. I get depressed when Sunday comes, because I know that Monday is just around the corner. I am miserable every day, and I desperately want to be happy. This is completely ironic, because I do not seem to be taking steps to get out of this situation.
I get battered and bruised at work, and then go home and try to drown my sorrows in a book or whatever’s on TV, feeling so sorry for myself. I am weak, and chained to my abuser, depending on him for money, words of praise and affirmation of my worth. I am pathetic.
Today, I finally updated my resume. After almost 3 months since I vowed to start looking for a new job. You may think I wasn’t serious about wanting to leave, that I was just bitching and whining and wallowing in self-pity. You may be right. It took just about everything in me to take this first small step.
This emotional reliance has got to end. It is ridiculous, I am so much better than this! I am a highly-educated woman, and I have built my career from nothing! I have a bright future ahead of me. I just need to get over myself and this mental block I have. GRRRR!